Hey, what's the square root of 69? I don't know, eight something... Damn right it is. What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? A salad shooter! A man takes his wife to the hospital because she is in pain He waits a little and finally the doctor comes out. The doctor takes the man aside and say's "Sir its not looking good in there" The man replies "I know but she cooks well and does alot of cleaning" your momma is so fat, when she got a flesh eating disease, the doctor told her she had 30 years to live A young man met an older woman at a bar. She wasn't bad for 57. They drank and talked a little and then she asked if he'd ever had a sportsman's double, a mother-and-daughter threesome. He said no, they drank a bit more, then she said tonight was his lucky night. They went back to her place and she turned the hall light on and shouted upstairs, mom, are you awake. Two muffins are in an oven. First one says "damn its hot in here". The second one says "holy shit a talking muffin!!" Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard Grad: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." Texan: "OK... where are you from, jackass?" One day, a man is sitting at a bar drinking and a woman comes up and asks him what is he drinking ... trying to start up some conversation. The man responds, "Magic Beer." The woman asks, "What does magic beer do?" The man takes a drink and looks back at her ... "it makes you fly." The woman thinks he is just talking drunk, and says that she doesn't believe him and makes him prove it. So he jumps out the window, and flies around the bar .. 1 .. 2 .. 3 times, flies back in, and keeps drinking his beer. The woman looks to the bartender and says, "I'd like one of those!" After finishing about half her drink, she decides to try it, she jumps out the window and lands flat on her face. Back inside, the bartender turns to the man and says, "Superman, you're such an ass when you drink." I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man did not hesitate at all in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
A man takes his wife to the hospital because she is in pain He waits a little and finally the doctor comes out. The doctor takes the man aside and say's "Sir its not looking good in there" The man replies "I know but she cooks well and does alot of cleaning" OUCH!:rofl:
First Time Sex A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
^^:rofl::rofl::rofl: and this one two Two muffins are in an oven. First one says "damn its hot in here". The second one says "holy shit a talking muffin!!"
A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy. "I'll only marry you under three conditions." "Anything, anything," said the ambassador. "First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement." Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!" The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation. "Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France." The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!" The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. "Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch (ahem, TOS)." A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"
The new priest, born and raised in Idaho, is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like, "yes, I see," and "yes, go on." "I understand." The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shxx ... what happened next?"
Morris and His Wife Esther Went to the State Fair Every Year. Every Year, Morris Would Say, "Esther, I'd like to Ride in That Helicopter" Esther Always Replied, " I Know Morris, But That Helicopter Ride Is 50 Dollars And 50 Dollars Is 50 Dollars." A Few Years Later, Esther and Morris Went to the Fair. Morris Said, "Esther, I'm 85 Years Old. If I Don't Ride That Helicopter Now, I Might Never Get Another Chance." Esther Replied, "Morris, That Helicopter Ride Is 50 Dollars and 50 Dollars Is 50 Dollars." The Pilot Overheard the Couple. He Said, "Folks, I'll Make You a Deal. I'll Take the Both of You for a Ride. If You Can Stay Quiet for the Entire Ride and Not Say a Word,I Won't Charge You! But If You Say One Word, It's 50 Dollars." Morris and Esther Agreed -- and up They Went. The Pilot Did All Kinds of Fancy Maneuvers. But Not a Word Was Heard. He Did His Daredevil Tricks over and over Again,But Still Not a Word. When They Landed, the Pilot Turned to Morris. He Said, "By Golly, I Did Everything I Could to Get You to Yell Out, But You Didn't. I'm Impressed!" Morris Replied,"Well, I Was Going to Say Something When Esther Fell Out, But 50 Dollars Is 50 Dollars!"