Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fû¢k down. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium. If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong. Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom. Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one This one is the best, where do u get this stuff?!!
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from darkside-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane". Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and SCHIT.COM on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there. Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, “Trix are for Chuck Norris.” Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon. Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky" Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own. Chuck Norris doesn't apologize. He just stares at them till they realize it was indeed their own fucking fault for whatever happened and they apologize. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris won ‘Jumanji’ without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living daylights out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited. When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.” The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill. When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead. Chuck Norris can divide by zero. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt. 1. When a tsunami happens, it’s because Chuck Norris has been swimming laps in the ocean. 2. Chuck Norris poops light sabers. 3. Chuck Norris clips his toenails with a chain saw. But he holds it backwards. 4. Chuck Norris likes his coffee like he likes his women: ground up, packed in a burlap sack, and thrown over the back of a donkey. 5. Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris threw it. 6. Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet. 7. Camels have a hump because Chuck Norris needed a place to store his kills. 8. Chuck Norris has a beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately, the sound of it would melt the average human brain. 9. Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack. 10. On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking. 11. Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. 12. When Chuck Norris vomits, wealthy people scavenge it for food. Too bad for them Chuck Norris never vomits. 13. If Chuck Norris were a ballet dancer, he’d strangle you gracefully with his tutu. And then himself. 14. Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris. 15. Our founding fathers originally decreed a strict separation between Chuck Norris and state. Chuck Norris eliminated them. 16. The only thing Chuck Norris fears is Chuck Norris. 17. Chuck Norris uses staples as hair gel. 18. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. 19. Even Chuck Norris can’t believe nobody Chuck Norrised this guy a long time ago. Chuck Norris isn’t cool , cool is Chuck Norris Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter. Chuck Norris never actually shoots a gun…in reality he roundkicks the bullets into his enemies. chuck norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop Chuck Norris does not sneeze, the last time Chuck Norris sneezed was back in 1968, Gary Coleman was then created Space is exapanding in its worthless attempt to escape Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris actually invented peanut butter, but while in transit to the patent office, George Washington Carver knocked him unconscious with the aid of chloroform and stole his patent. For revenge, Chuck Norris threw 7 freight trains on top of George Washington Carver. He died from this. Chuck Norris sweats Gatorade The 1 of 5 dentists that didn't recommend Chuck Norris got a roundhouse kick to the face Chuck Norris' favourite colour is pain Chuck Norris does not use spellcheck. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the acutal spelling of it Chuck Norris rejected an invitation to Vin Diesel's house to play Xbox 720 and Playstation 4 as he was busy playing his Xbox 1080 and Playstation 5. Rainbows are what happens when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks Richard Simmons Despite what your family, your doctor, even what your geneaolgy says, Chuck Norris IS your daddy. Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world Chuck Norris doesn't experience miricales, he makes them Chuck Norris once crossed a baby seal lying on the ground injured. He then proceeded to make a delicious sandwich Ashton Kutcher once Punk’d Chuck Norris. They both shared a good laugh. Later that day, Chuck Norris Pun’k Ashton by “pretending” to roundhouse kick him Chuck Norris can punch faster than the speed of light. Every time he hits someone his hands actually go back in time. His fists are only 23 years old. "Roundhouse Kick" is the currency Chuck Norris use when he needs to buy shit Chuck Norris rarely has to leave his house. If he wants to go somewhere, he just tells it to "get the fuck over here". One must promptly recognize Chuck Norris... always. One time, my buddy said, "Is that Chuck N-", and his head exploded.
look what ol chuck had to say about all the internet stuff being generated about him:http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx
These have been floating around here for a while now. They're awesome. Also check out Mr.T and Vin Diesel Facts... Mr T destroyed the periodic table of the elements because the only element he believes in is the element of surprise. There is no "I" in team, however, there are two "I's" in Vin Diesel
That is some cool stuff,Shane.....Man, that would be a drag if he really was dead.....He has had a great career and he actually used to be a Security Policeman in the AF stationed in Korea..... Mark
Chuck Norris Jokes...HILARIOUS I dont know if you guys have read any of these before but this is freakin HILARIOUS!!! LMAO!!!:rofl: There are two sections...read both. http://www.bloody-disgusting.com/forums/showthread.php?t=5584 And NO, I am not a member of that site...a friend showed me this...
my favorite is the one that says something like.... Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to save Kennedy from assassination. He jumpped in front of the bullets and they deflected off of his beard. JFK's head exploded in sheer amazement.
http://wrxatl.com/forums/showthread.php?t=4716 its worth a repost..chuck is awesome!ha chuck lost his virginity before his Dad.