Enjoy..... Oops...try this one.... http://www.salsburg.com/Jokes/Tired of Spilling your Beer.bmp Mark
Lol, I definitely turned my speakers off and backed away from the screen on that one because I was expecting that to be one of those scare the shite out of you webpages (due to the way it loaded). Glad it wasn't Funny stuff. I need to get one of these before my next auto-x/mountain run. I'm tired of my brewskis sloshing around everywhere.
And another one..... Yankees -vs- Red Sox A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?" "The Red Sox." "Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too." "That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?" "No, that would make me a Yankees fan!" Mark
More great laughs.... A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. Rodney Dangerfield Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. Rodney Dangerfield At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't. Rodney Dangerfield I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. Rodney Dangerfield I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Rodney Dangerfield I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Rodney Dangerfield I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. Rodney Dangerfield I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. Rodney Dangerfield I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. Rodney Dangerfield I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. Rodney Dangerfield I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. Rodney Dangerfield I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. Rodney Dangerfield I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. Rodney Dangerfield I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Rodney Dangerfield I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. Rodney Dangerfield I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. Rodney Dangerfield I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. Rodney Dangerfield I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. Rodney Dangerfield I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. Rodney Dangerfield I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. Rodney Dangerfield I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. Rodney Dangerfield If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. Rodney Dangerfield My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. Rodney Dangerfield My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. Rodney Dangerfield My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. Rodney Dangerfield My mother had morning sickness after I was born. Rodney Dangerfield My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. Rodney Dangerfield My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend. Rodney Dangerfield My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. Rodney Dangerfield My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. Rodney Dangerfield My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met! Rodney Dangerfield My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. Rodney Dangerfield My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. Rodney Dangerfield My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. Rodney Dangerfield My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. Rodney Dangerfield Mark:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
Last ones..... A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. Steven Wright At one point he decided enough was enough. Steven Wright Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' Steven Wright Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. Steven Wright Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Steven Wright Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? Steven Wright Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? Steven Wright Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. Steven Wright Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. Steven Wright Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. Steven Wright For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Steven Wright George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. Steven Wright Hermits have no peer pressure. Steven Wright How young can you die of old age? Steven Wright I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. Steven Wright I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. Steven Wright I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. Steven Wright I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Steven Wright I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. Steven Wright I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. Steven Wright I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. Steven Wright I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. Steven Wright I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. Steven Wright I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. Steven Wright I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. Steven Wright I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. Steven Wright I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. Steven Wright and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. Steven Wright I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. Steven Wright I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Steven Wright I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. Steven Wright I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' Steven Wright I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. Steven Wright I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time. Steven Wright I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. Steven Wright I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. Steven Wright I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. Steven Wright I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. Steven Wright I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. Steven Wright I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. Steven Wright I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. Steven Wright I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven Wright I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. Steven Wright I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. Steven Wright I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' Steven Wright I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. Steven Wright Mark:keke:
Mark, I combined the recent joke threads you have posted, and changed the title for you. This way you can keep them all in one place.
Here is another one my friend sent me: One Star Hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries. Two Star Hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 A.M. Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels. Three Star Hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels like shit. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Friends reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't pissed once. Four Star Hangover (****) Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom. Five Star Hangover (*****) You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good right about now.... THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Specificity British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Thanks, but I don't want to have sex Nope, no more booze for me Sorry, but you're not really my type Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing Mark
Another cracked up joke..... Here is one that a friend e-mailed me: Drinking with a Redneck Girl A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air,pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Arab,obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer,throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' The redneck girl,cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air,whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.' 'God Bless America Mark
Just got this in today from a buddy in Turkey: Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone." Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too." Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator." Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not Enter." Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized!" Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason" Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone." Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts." Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy" Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing." Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today." Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account." Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there? Mark
Here is another good one.... The Bottom Line A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon. All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink. The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?" The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips." The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?" Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them." Mark:rofl: