Let's hear 'em.. I nominate Zappa: FZ: And now folks, it's time for Don Pardo to deliver our special Illinois Enema Bandit-type announcement. Take it away, Don! Don Pardo: This is a true story about a famous criminal from right around Chicago. This is the story of Michael Kenyon, a man who's serving time at this very moment for the crime of armed robbery. It so happens, that at the time of these robberies, Michael decided to give his female victims a little enema --apparently, there was no law against that. But his name lives on --Michael Kenyon, THE ILLINOIS ENEMA BANDIT! The Illinois Enema Bandit I heard he's on the loose I heard he's on the loose Lord, the pitiful screams Of all them college-educated women . . . He'd just be tyin' 'em up (They'd be all bound down!) Just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice The Illinois Enema Bandit I heard it on the news I heard it on the news Bloomington Illinois . . . he has caused some alarm Just sneakin' around there From farm to farm He's got a rubberized bag And a hose on his arm Lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump That he just might wanna pump Lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump That he just might wanna pump Lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump That he just might wanna pump The Illinois Enema Bandit One day he'll have to pay Some day he'll have to pay The police will say, "You're under arrest!" And the judge would have him for a special guest Then the D.A. will order a secret test Stuff his pudgy little thumbs in the side of his vest Then they'll put out a call-yooou! for the jury folks (That's you over there) And the judge would say, "No poo-poo jokes!" Then they'll drag in the bandit for all to see, Sayin' "Don't nobody, no no, have no sympathy . . . HOT SOAPY WATER in the FIRST DEGREE!" And then the Bandit might say, "Why is everybody lookin' at me?" DID YOU CAUSE THIS MISERY? WELL DID YOU CAUSE THIS KINDA MISERY? WELL DID YOU CAUSE THIS MISERY? Well, one girl shout: "Let the Bandit be!" BANDIT ARE YOU GUILTY? BANDIT ARE YOU GUILTY? TELL ME NOW, WHAT'S YOUR PLEA? Another girl shout: "Let the fiend go free!" ARE YOU GUILTY? BANDIT, DID YOU DO THESE DEEDS? COME ON, NOW He said, "It must be just what they all need . . . " "It must be just what they all need . . . " (That's right!) "It must be just what they all need . . . " (Over there) "It must be just what they all need . . . " (Help me out now!) "It must be just what they all need . . . " (That's right) "It must be just what they all need . . . " He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla "Don't you know it must be just what they all need . . . " (That's it!) He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla "It must be just what they all need . . . " He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla "It must be just what they all need . . . " He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla "It must be just what they all need . . . " He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla "Don't you know it must be just what they all need . . . " The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla "It must be just what they all need . . . " The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla "It must be just what they all need . . . " The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla "It must be just what they all need . . . " The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice He just be . . . hey! Talkin' bout the Illinois . . . Illinois . . . Ain't talkin' 'bout Fontana . . . ha . . . Ain't talkin' 'bout Po-head-otated . . . ha . . . (I'll try again . . . ) Potato Headed Bobby Talkin' 'bout the Illinois Enema Bandit Yeah yeah yeah FZ: Wait a minute, this is for Roy Estrada, wherever he's Wanna-wanna-wannanenema An enema Wanna-wanna-wannanenema An enema I wanna-wanna-wannanenema Eh . . . Take it away! The Illinois Enema Bandit (The Enema Bandit) The Enema Bandit (The Enema Bandit) The Enema Bandit Talkin' bout the Illinois Enema Bandit . . . ( . . . It can't happen here!) Juice! FZ: Awright-awright! Ray White, the assistant Illinois Enema Bandit, live on stage here in New York . . . ! That's it . . . sit right down and make yourselves comfortable . . .
Angry Lyrics: Tool (Bottom) My compassion is broken now. My will is eroded now, and my desire is broken now and it makes me feel ugly. I'm on my knees and burning. My piss and moans are the fuel that, set my head on fire. So smell my soul is burning. I'm broken, looking up to see the enemy. And I have swallowed the poison you feed me... but I survive on it, and it leaves me guilt, fed, hatred fed, weakness fed.. and it makes me feel ugly. On my knees and burning. My piss and moans are the fuel that set my head on fire. I'm dead inside! Shit adds up at the bottom... -Henry Rollins: If I let you, you would make me destroy myself. But in order to survive you, I must first survive myself. I can sink no further and I cannot forgive you. There's no choice but to confront you, to engage you, to erase you. I've gone to great lengths to expand my threshold of pain. I will use my mistakes against you. There's no other choice. Shameless now. Nameless now. Nothing now. No one now. But my soul must be iron cause my fear is naked. I'm naked and fearless.- And my fear is nakeed! Needless now, shameless now, nothing now, no one now. You see me naked now, fearless now, naked now, fearless now. You see... shit adds up. Shit adds, shit adds, shit adds up. It leaves me dead, inside! Hatred keeps me alive, ugliness keeps me alive, weakness keeps me alive, guilt keeps me alive at the bottom! Clever Lyrics: Detatchable Penis, by King Missile I woke up this morning with a bad hangover And my penis was missing again. This happens all the time. It's detachable. [background singing begins: "detachable penis" over and over] This comes in handy a lot of the time. I can leave it home, when I think it's gonna get me in trouble, or I can rent it out, when I don't need it. But now and then I go to a party, get drunk, and the next morning I can't for the life of me remember what I did with it. First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn't find it. So I called up the place where the party was, they hadn't seen it either. I asked them to check the medicine cabinet 'cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes But not this time. So I told them if it pops up to let me know. I called a few people who were at the party, but they were no help either. I was starting to get desperate. I really don't like being without my penis for too long. It makes me feel like less of a man, and I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak. After a few hours of searching the house, and calling everyone I could think of, I was starting to get very depressed, so I went to the Kiev, and ate breakfast. Then, as I walked down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place, where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street, I saw my penis lying on a blanket next to a broken toaster oven. Some guy was selling it. I had to buy it off him. He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen. I took it home, washed it off, and put it back on. I was happy again. Complete. People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached, but I don't know. Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass, I like having a detachable penis. [background voices continue to sing "detachable penis" for a while, then out]
wow..scott im surprised someone else has heard of king missile..not too popular stuff..moose..you will never cease to amaze me :ugh:
Okay, King Missile is respectable.. but I will raise you another Zappa: It was the blackest night There was no moon in sight You know the stars ain't shinin' 'Cause the sky's too tight I heard the scarey wind I seen some ugly trees There was a werewolf honkin' 'Long the side of me I'm mean 'n I'm bad, y'know I ain't no sissy Got a big-titty girly by the name of Chrissy Talkin' about her 'n my bike 'n me . . . 'N this ride up the Mountain of Mystery, mystery I noticed even the crickets Were actin' weird up here 'N so I figured I might Just drink a little beer I said, "Gimme summa that what yer suckin' on . . . " But there was no reply 'Cause she was gone . . . "Where's those titties I like so well, 'n my goddamn beer!" Is what I started to yell, then I heard this noise Like a crunchin' twig, 'n up jumped the Devil . . . He's about this big . . . He had a red suit on An' a widow's peak An' then a pointed tail 'N like a sulphur reek Yes, it was him awright, I sweared I knowed it was He had some human flesh Stuck underneath his claws You know, it looked to me Like it was titty skin I said, "You sonofabitch!" 'Cause I was mad at him, Well he just got out his floss 'N started cleanin' his fang So I shot him with my shooter, Said: BANG BANG BANG Then the sucker just laughed 'n said: Terry: Oh, put it away . . . You know, I ate her all up . . . now what you gonna say? FZ: You ate my Chrissy? Terry: Titties 'n all! FZ: Well, what about the beer then, boy? Terry: Ah . . . Were the cans this tall? FZ: Even her boots? Terry: Would I lie to you? FZ: Shit, you musta been hungry! Terry: Yes, this is true. FZ: Don't they pay you good For the stuff that you do? Terry: Well, you know I can't complain when the checks come through . . . FZ: Well I want my Chrissy, 'N I want my beer So you just barf it back up Now, Devil, do you hear? Terry: Blow it out your ass, motorcycle man! I mean, I am the Devil, Do you understand? Just what will you give me for your Titties and beer? I suppose you noticed this little contract here . . . FZ: Yer goddam right, you Son-of-a-whore Terry: Don't call me that! FZ: That's about the only reason I learned writin' for . . . Gimme that paper . . . bet yer ass I will sign . . . Because I need a beer, 'N it's titty-squeezin' time! Terry: Man, you can't fool me . . . you ain't that bad . . . I mean you shoulda seen some of the souls that I've had . . . FZ: Oh, yeah? Terry: Why there was Milhous Nixon 'n Agnew, too . . . 'N both of those suckers was worse 'n you . . . FZ: Well, let's make a deal if you think that's true I mean, you're the Devil so . . . Whatcha gonna do? Terry: Wait a minute . . . a tinge of doubt crosses my mind when you say that you want to make a deal with me . . . FZ: That's very, very true . . . Terry: Wait . . . you ain't supposed to wanna make a deal with me FZ: Ah, but I'm slightly different than your average customer, Devil . . . Terry: But, wait . . . but most people don't want to make a deal with me . . . Wha . . . FZ: Yeah . . . Terry: What's your story? FZ: Well, most people are afraid of you, see? They don't know how stupid you are . . . I happen to know that you jack off to a picture of Punky Meadows when you get home . . . Terry: Grrah . . . Stupid . . . Grrh . . . FZ: You know . . . ever since that guy told you that he contained more fluid than Jeff Beck you've been tryin' to outdo him . . . Awright, look, I'm gonna say one thing to you . . . this may not register right away, but let me say this . . . leave your pickle alone for a couple of nights, you know what I mean . . . ? Now, come on! I'm only interested in a couple of things . . . (Wait, is that a note for me? Is somebody passing me a note? What does this say . . . ? "Frank, please do me a favour, I can't find a brother of mine, I could dig it if you could call him from stage. His name is Dirty Tom Nomads M.C.," signed "Thanks, Bear" or "Bean," I can't tell . . . Well, if he's out there . . . Dirty Tony De La Nomads M.C. get in touch with Bean or Bear . . . ) And as I was sayin', Devil, I'm an average sort of a person, I'm . . . you wouldn't believe it, but . . . I'm very much like the people here in this audience tonight . . . Terry: What? FZ: I think we definitely have something in common . . . Terry: Wait a minute, I thought you had funny things growing in your hair and all that other stuff . . . I thought . . . write weird music, you know, I thought . . . FZ: Listen . . . Terry: . . . biker and everything, I mean, shit, you know? FZ: . . . listen carefully . . . Terry: . . . big tittie chic that you just had out here with the camera, I mean, you know . . . FZ: Listen carefully to me, oh, Devil . . . Terry: Uh-huh . . . FZ: I'm only interested in two things Terry: Yeah . . . FZ: See if you can guess what they are Terry: I would think . . . uh . . . let's see, maybe . . . uh . . . FZ: Well, I'll give you . . . Terry: Stravinsky . . . and, uh . . . FZ: I'll give you two clues . . . Terry: . . . let's see . . . uh . . . FZ: Let go of your pickle Terry: What? FZ: Let go of your pickle! Terry: I'm not holding my pickle FZ: Well, who's holding your pickle then? Terry: I don't know . . . ha! She's out in the audience . . . Hey, Dale, would you like to come up here and hold my pickle to satisfy this weird man out here on the stage? FZ: You're probably wondering why we call it a pickle . . . Ray: Ha ha ha! Terry: Oh, no . . . FZ: I don't . . . I hate . . . I hate to squeal on you, Bozzio, I mean, Devil . . . but, look, I'm only interested in two things . . . Terry: Now, wait a minute . . . all I have to say is God help me! . . . Even though I have this . . . this fucking mask on . . . FZ: Ha ha ha ha ha . . . ! Listen, if you think that mask looks bad, you oughta see his pickle . . . I'm only interested in two things, that's titties and beer, you know what I mean? Terry: What? FZ: Yeah . . . Terry: Titties and beer? FZ: Titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer . . . Terry: (Growling) Whoa, I don't know if you're the right guy! FZ: . . . titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer . . . Terry: No! Don't sign it! Give me time to think . . . I mean . . . FZ: Alright! Terry: Hold on a second, boy . . . 'Cause that's Magic Ink! And then the Devil let go of his pickle 'N out jumped m'girl They heard the titties PLOP-PLOPPIN' All around the world, she said: "I GOT ME THREE BEERS 'N A FIST FULLA DOWNS, AN' I'M GONNA GET RIPPED, SO FUCK YOU CLOWNS!" Then she gave us the finger, It was rigid 'n stiff, That's when the Devil, he farted An' she went right over the cliff (Whoa . . . Tinsel Time!) Well, the Devil was mad I took off to my pad I swear I do declare! How did she get back there? I swear I do declare! How did she get back there? I swear I do declare! How did she get back there? I swear I do declare! How did she get back there? I swear I do declare! How did she get back there? I swear I do de . . . FZ: Awright . . . awright, that . . . that's enough for the Devil and his famous pickle . . . We're goin' to make another dramatic if . . . if somewhat . . . rickety segue into another song called Cruisin' For Burgers, wait a minute . . .
It gets loneliest at night. Down at the liquor store. Beneath the neon sky. Our moonlight. Six A.M., the floor comes alive with lice. The pan's dried up so tight. With hardened beans. We're hungry. So I lean on you sometimes. Just to see you're still there. Your feet can't take the weight of one. Much less two. We hit concrete. How were we born into this mess? I know I painted you a prettier picture, baby. But we were run out on a rail. Fell from the wagon to the night train. I kissed the bottle. I should've been kissing you. You wake up to an empty night. With tears for two. Cigarettes they fill the gaps. In our empty days. In our broken teeth. We're jonesing. Say mister, can you spare a dime? Some change could make a change. Could buy some time. Some freedom. Or an ear to hear my story. It's all I've got. My fiction beats the hell out of my truth. A palm upturned burnt blue. Don't call it sunburn. You've been shaking on the job. Just one drink ahead of your past. There's a white light coming up. You draw the blinds hoping it'll pass. I kissed the bottle. I should've been kissing you. You wake up to an empty night. With tears for two. I kissed the bottle. I should've been kissing you. You wake up to an empty night. With tears for two. I kissed the bottle. I should've been kissing you. You wake up to an empty night. With tears for two. -Jawkbreaker-"Kiss the Bottle" I'll find some other good ones.
I'm not exactly pround of the place I'm from but I've been here my whole life so I guess I'll call it home. In South Carolina a flag still shows the enslavement of our minds but in South Carolina I learned from all the times. We went to all-ages shows, Sunday matinees hanging out wondering if the bands would show and even play. The bands would come and we would all sing along (sing along sing along). Would they ever know their impact would last so long? The world is full of lonely places no matter where you're from. A crowded show, familiar faces make me feel at home. Many kids have come and gone but I know what kept me here. The magic of those songs has sustained me through the years. I heard the word sincerity and I know now what that means. I learned it first with Black Flag, mohawks, combat boots and torn-up jeans. We were more than just a tour date. You were more than just a song. We sweat and sang together and that helped us to carry on. We were more. You were more. For the record. -Stretch Arm Strong "For the Record"
I can see it in your eyes I can hear it in your voice the signs are obvious that all we had has run its course and I don't mind giving up the upper hand in this little charade cause I've spent too many nights here on the floor waiting for something inside you to change Don't look back in anger now is all that you can see cause angers all I got to keep me warm when you're away and I know that this is nothing new but tonight is all I know disconnect myself from your memory and never feel anything at all to justify with all your words and all your actions don't mean anything to me cause I've cut you off So here we stand and face each other we've got nothing to say a flashback to another time when silence was a welcomed friend now I'm sorry I can never really say all the things going on inside my head silence is a justified expression of my war now nothings like it was before Don't look back in anger now is all that you can see cause angers all I got to keep me warm when you're away and all your words and all your actions don't mean anything to me cause I've cut you off Don't look back at anger Don't look back at anger Don't look back at anger It's just a memory It's easy to forget your face and it's easy to survive in this place without you without you I just comb my hair and wash my face keep straight ahead and keep my pace just think about nothing, and I'll be alright. well I got my friends I got my pen I got a million distractions to keep me warm and I all I know is that it will be alright. -Strung Out "Matchbook" That's all for tonight. Three good old punk rock songs.
Back at ya Moose with some Uninvited.... Too High For The Supermarket The Uninvited Got the craving for some lunch, but i ain't got nothing to munch my mind is set on just one wish a big ol' sandwich - tuna fish time to make a grocery run, i'll walk there in the morning sun make a list of what i need most: tuna fish and bread (for toast) and though my stomach may be empty, i'll feed my head from the horn of plenty roll a joint bob marley style and smoke it 'till it makes me smile Starting off in aisle one, fruits and veggies by the ton hey check it out, raddiccio! these red leaves, man, they almost glow! and bok choy! i've always wanted to try it, i wonder if i have enough to buy it? It's grown in japan, or maybe china, or maybe some farm in south carolina? just then i hear a voice in my head: "stay focused, man, tuna & bread," but right now i'm in produce bliss oh man, i'm too high for this Too high for the supermarket, too high for the grocery store too high for the supermarket, ain't gonna shop like this no more (everyone in here is staring at me...) Sixteen different brands of tuna, chicken of the sea or big kahuna packed in oil, packed in water, dolphin friendly, dolphin slaughtered and oh god, what about the bread? should i get white or wheat instead? or... rye! rye's the best i've tasted rye is best when ever you're wasted! Too high for the supermarket, too high for the grocery store too high for the supermarket ain't gonna shop like this no more Finally done, its check-out time, searching for the shortest line the express lane! but they don't take checks.. and you've got to have ten items or less, So let's see... ding dongs, a bag of chips, cap'n crunch and some onion dip, (it's sugar and salt, space and schism, the yin and yang of munchie taoism) i got my favorite beer, carlinger, and pre-sweetened kool-aid you eat with your finger (you lick your finger, then you stick it in the bag, then your stick it down your throat but not too far or you gag) That's less than ten! check me out, go ahead! oh, i forgot the tuna and the bread... Too high for the supermarket, too high for the grocery store too high for the supermarket, ain't gonna shop like this no more Too high (too high!) too high (too high!) way too high for the supermarket, yeah This song was awesome, even for someone who has never done drugs....