How To Fart At Work Without Anyone Knowing The first step is to fart without flaunting it. Everybody rips ass. It’s natural. Hell, it’s even enjoyable. The problem is when it starts to have negative effects on your life. Farting at work can not only be embarrassing, it can mean losing friendships and possibly even your job. I mean, who wants to sit around and breath in your methane while they’re preparing for a meeting or trying to type up a memo? But I do realize that you can’t just not fart. Holding one in or rectally “swallowing” it is not at all healthy, and just helps to create a bigger, more disgusting beef cloud that you’ll have to release sooner or later anyway. So, the only choice you have is to be covert. Here’s a little guide I put together to avoid getting busted when you bust ass. Leftovers - Nine times out of ten, you’re more likely to fart after eating lunch. I’m not going to get into the biology, so just trust me. Most people advise not eating Mexican foods in order to reduce gas, but that’s not necessary. It doesn’t matter what you eat, just make sure to leave a little bit of food on your plate and throw all the containers in your trash can when you’re done. Then when people walk by and ask “what’s that awful smell?” tell them you just threw your lunch in the trash and show them the evidence. Pull a Killdeer – For all of you who aren’t bird enthusiasts, Killdeer are small birds, which are renown for protecting their young. The mothers will chirp in order to lead any threat away from the nest. My point is, if someone comes over, get up and walk away, suggest that you both make a trip to the snack machines, grab their glasses and throw them across the room -- anything at all to make them follow you away from the epicenter. Use Your Sole – Sometimes despite all your effort you just can’t help it and a squeaker makes it past the Anal Boarder. In this situation, simply scuff your sneakers against the floor to make a similar noise. If you blow a loud one, pretend it’s your chair. (NOTE: This will not work with sandals) Mask it - Buy a Glade plug-in. You can hide them on your surge protectors under your desk. Mmmmm lilac farts. Find A Fan - Summertime means fans are more than acceptable in cubicles. Get a little fan and start blaming whoever’s downwind. That’s it. You shouldn’t need anymore advice unless you have a serious, serious medical problem in which case I’m the last guys you should be talking to. One last warning: don’t be an idiot and put this up on your office computer or around your desk. Just keep it on the D.L. (down low) and no one will suspect you’re the Office Flatulator.
I am a big fan of Crop Dusting. When I need to let one rip, I go for a little walk. I always head towards the Fat Kid I nicknamed Tons of Fun, and let it rip as I am walking past him. I know he has been questioned before about the stinky brown air that is constantly hovering around him (Not all from me).