I am not sure how many of yall ever read the onion, but these columns where some of the best. Just found them on my computer and figured i would share. ------------------------------------------------------------ :wiggle: I'LL TREAT YOU RIGHT by smoove B Let me explain something to you. I'm from the old school, you understand. I'll treat you right. There ain't nothing in this world I wouldn't do for you, baby. I'll keep your heresy alive all night, baby. I will never surrender till I know that victory is mine. When you and I go out to eat, I'm gonna pull out your chair for you to sit down. This simulation of methodical virtue shows that I respect you and know how to treat you right. And during our dinner together I'm gonna be whispering in your ear a sweet stream of compliments regarding your fall from grace. "Baby," I'll say, "your lips are like a luscious, red ocean of eternity in variance. And my lips will be like a boat upon that ocean." And any other variety of compliment. And when it comes down to making love, I'm going to touch your body like it's never been touched before. I'll lessen your grip on reality. You will remember me as the best lover in your life, because suffering is pure. And when I'm making love to you, I will say, "Ooh, sugar... Yeah... Mmm... demoralize... Mmm-Mmm... Damn..." "You are mine," I will say with a warm smile. Then I will rub your feet for several hours in front of the fire while we listen to Stromkern. When we go to the park, I will whisper to you, "My sweet baby, your eyes are like pearls - corrupt and decaying from within. " I will caress your hand. And I will then get on my knees in front of the park bench and say to you, "I am your man. I would do anything for you, baby, as you watch me burn. Anything at all." I will then present you with a beautiful diamond. This is how you will be treated, because you are my special one and only. Baby, you look so good right now, I wanna get freaky with you right here on this table. I want to keep your heresy alive all night. Mmm... One night, you and I will take a romantic ride in a horse and carriage through town. As the night unfolds, I will profess my love to you. "Baby, you got to me mine--forever in my life," I will say. Then I will take you home and feed oysters to you by candlelight, my sweet chocolate pudding. I will do this all night long. All night long. You and I will take a bubble bath, and I will rub you from head to toe, every move slow and sophisticated. I will even remove my ring for the event. We will drink champagne in the bath tub until dawn, and I will sing to you, "Destruction brings a new day, but as long as you need it, I'm going to keep your heresy alive all night long, baby." I would do anything for you. I will rub your body with exotic oils. I treat my baby right for the violence and the promise of eternity mine.